Tag Archives: #nostigma

I am ALIVE!!!

As I finally decide to sit down and write, one thought is louder and a bit more pushy then the rest…it’s that we all go through things in our lives that leave us feeling, for lack of a better word…DEMOLISHED!! This can be anything. It might be a relationship issue, a challenge to your mental health or a snafu to your physical health. It might be family, friend, life, work, body, mind or soul related. Sometimes it might be a multitude of those things occurring somewhat simultaneously …which we all know BITES, LIKE REALLY FREAKIN’ HARD.

I am going to keep this brief (doubtful) and hopefully even more than that…simple. Life can throw us some serious F’n curve balls. Because why? Because it is life…that is what the fuck it does. No further explanation needed. Without the dramatic details, I will say this, I am no stranger to any of the aforementioned struggles. Work…check. Physical health…Check. Depression, Anxiety,  just plain soul sickness? Check. check. check.

I haven’t blogged in over a month. My usual and customary M.O would be “Ummm…ya know what?  too much time went by…I give up…Yet another thing I started but didn’t continue, but…whatever…I kind of hated blogging anyway .” (now go ahead and add in some sprinkles of mild self-loathing and a touch of self-righteous indignation and you may have even had my younger self’s  response to what I perceived as a (wait for it…) “shortcoming” in my character!

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But not so fast Y’all…that is precisely why I started to blog to begin with…to reflect, learn, nurture and even forgive MYSELF!!!  And perhaps inspire others to do the same along the way.

So today, as “they” say, is a new day. It doesn’t take away all the days I had that were hard. It does not “undo” the days that felt or perhaps even WERE impossible to write.  However… it doesn’t mean that I can’t just write a few paragraphs today and simply haul off and hit publish. I think writing is one of those “just get back on the bike” type of things. Maybe life knocked me down for a bit. Maybe my automatic thinking voice was “Oh well…I guess I won’t write anymore”,  but what about my quieter voice…the one I have to really tune in to hear? The one that might say something a bit more polite and a tad more kind like,  “Listen, it’s been a tough few months and look at you…You are still here! You still have things to share and words that are real and important and worth writing. Even if for no one else but YOU!”

So, ya know what?  It’s a start. Sometimes you just have to say “I am alive” and hit publish, knowing that it is enough. Because being alive, well that is pretty fucking important! And sometimes staying that way is pretty fucking hard. So celebrate life today and know this…not everyday will be a great day…not every month will be a productive month.  However, each day you wake up, breathe and learn how to navigate this world to the best of your ability, you have won. Every day that you reach out to another when your own ability for living seems weakened at best…well, in my humble opinion, my friend, you have succeeded.

So let’s just celebrate and honor all the little things that prove we are ALIVE…the inhales, the exhales, the getting out of bed and the crawling back under the blanket…the writing, laughing and dancing  and the silent, sleeping, desperate sobs.  Let us honor all of it! Today, I honor the wonderful things and the terrifying crap and all of the stuff we survive that falls somewhere between the laughter and the tears.

So…as you can see, even though it’s been almost two months and a boat load of life since last I wrote,  I am very much alive, and if you are reading this, so are you!  And well, as it would happen, that is what the HELL we are celebrating right now!!!  So go ahead and do something FABULOUS for yourself, because ya damn well better believe I am!

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He Is My Husband Now…We Are Gay

We all gauge the multitude of so-called successes and failures of parenting moments by different variables. We (us parents) each have a different set of lenses in which we view our children, how we may “think” they are doing. Whether we are talking in general, like their grades, behavior or  mood or  we are looking at more of the minutia. Little snapshots in time, that sort of show you something unique in your child’s development or personality. It can simply be a look, a statement, a small conversation…watching them play, when they don’t know you are looking…those tiny moments that go on, but often are a reflection of who they are “right now” and even perhaps a foreshadowing of who they may  become.

Now…I have two boys. They are both vastly different in both looks and personality alike. They are five years apart. Despite their differences, I try to raise them in quite the same manner, with the same fibers of morals and values being loosely woven through our years together.

O.K…I will cut to the chase. One is a teen and one is in second grade…I am, what one might describe as a bleeding heart liberal. A heart on my sleeve kind of girl. I am a social worker by trade and by human make-up. For as long as I can remember, I have tried to be the voice for the voiceless. The cheerleader for the underdog. The advocate for the marginalized and oppressed…YOU GET IT.  My husband, is also a mental health professional  and is a Latino male, who despite his best efforts, still carries with him what I might describe as this  “semi” machismo  perspective. He has come a long way and is also himself, incredibly liberal but let’s just say when my boys were little and I bought them baby dolls and a stroller to push them in (which they did often and around the neighborhood) …he seemed kind of was perplexed, he “sort of”  tried to discourage me from letting them… (I wasn’t having it).  I would have to say that his reaction was rooted not only in his cultural roots and norms and gender and social norms but also…rooted in FEAR. ( we all know, having a baby doll turns you gay right? )

“Not my boys…not baby dolls? They are not GIRLS!”  As the years have gone by…he has softened a lot… has a greater understanding of why I would encourage that … and as for my boys, despite my best efforts…they don’t seem to really embrace there feminine side right now, and that is o.k. It seems, at least right now, they are kind of these brutish, loud, wrestle each other to the ground primate type of kids. (which does not mean they are not sensitive emotionally) But they are rough, crazy, sports nuts who are dirty and what societal/gender stereotypes may reference as or  consider “All Boy”. Whatever… I still send the message that it is o.k to cry, to openly talk about feelings, to be sensitive and most importantly to not feel pressured to conform to social norms “just because”.

One of the other things we do together, though I watch next to no television, is watch several weekly sitcoms. One is Modern Family…think what you may about the show, but it has allowed us to crack up together, to explore a vast range of family issues and also to have on-going dialogue with my kids about homosexuality. Questions come in many forms like…”why are those guys married mom AND they have a baby?”  Just one of the questions my younger one has asked. My teen…he kind of  get’s it already and knows I am open about  whomever people love they just  love. My little one has asked questions over the past year, and more recently, he seems to “get it” a little more. (not sex…he does not know what that is yet, outside of kissing) But he knows a girl can love and marry another girl…a man can love and marry another man. That God made us all different and amazing and that is o.k.

In a world where gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual youth have so many struggles, higher rates of clinical depression/ anxiety  and a significantly higher suicide rate, I feel it is my job as a parent to keep an open dialogue with my kids. To send the message that no matter who they are, whom they love or even if they were confused….they will always be accepted, loved and supported, at least in our home. Now, obviously my son is in second grade, so I don’t go into great detail. I just answer what he asks and try to communicate that however you are, it’s o.k and you will be loved.

It’s kind of hard to gauge how they are doing on that. My older son had a sleep-over…with a diverse group of boys. He mentioned one would be pretty late because he has dance. (now being most of his friends are on sports with him…I talked to him about this… just out of curiosity because I never met this boy…what kind of dance, how late will he be?) He answered without much thought…” he’ll be pretty late and he will be hungry…and ummm, I don’t know, he does ballet, jazz, hip-hop…yeah…he is  kind of feminine, but I don’t think he’s gay, but honestly…who really care’s anyway?” (For a seventh grade boy…to me this signals, he is getting it!)

Now, my younger son…was snuggling with his big, muscular, Latino father (otherwise known as my husband) I walked in to his room and said jokingly “Hey you…You are always snuggling with my husband…you better give him back to me !”  He glanced up at me, with wild and sleepy eyes, as my hubby lye half asleep and boldly said “HE IS MY HUSBAND NOW…WE ARE GAY!”

Let’s just say my husband was no longer asleep…He gave me the look of “You did this” but then smiled… and I thought to myself:

“YES…PARENTING WIN!!!”  (yeah…I know…I may have clarify a few things as time goes on) but he was being silly and I thought to myself…So far, So Good!

The Self-Esteem Dream and Other Perfect Rhymes…

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Wow…It is my first ever end of the week blog. It is Friday and I did not deactivate my blog due to the burden of poor grammar, no followers or the gross overuse of phrases and words I happen to love. *see the abuse of “Reckless Abandon” in ALL of my posts this week.

As I reflect on this huge accomplishment, and bathe in the glory of achieving my own personal best, by which I mean…living the dream of SELF-ESTEEM. YES. That rhymes and feel free to use that because I, for sure won’t use it again. “Living the dream of self-esteem”…what might I mean by that? Listen here…

I didn’t delete, deactivate or give up on writing. I hit publish with ya know (reck—-Ab–don) I’m done with that. I used poor grammar, foul language and really did not know what I was doing with this whole publish, draft, save…add media, visual etc. I still don’t know how to use the little boxes on top of this “writing square.” Yes…the one with the b. the I. the link, the b-quote, the del, the ins.

Those buttons seem important and one day I will know them and own them and they will know me, but not today because I DON’T HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING TO START SOMETHING!!!!

RIGHT? This is genius and as a mental health professional and consumer of mental health stuff (by “stuff” I mean years of being therapized), I think it is the freakin’ most important idea!!

You Don’t Have To Know Everything To Start Something.

I want to write…so I am writing. Embracing the mistakes and all. Loving my three followers and knowing they can leave or more can come and I AM STILL WHOLE and important and lovable.

MY Goal is to stick and stay and see what happens while I accept it all.

MY Anti-Goal (meaning what i hope i won’t do) is to start writing and feel crappy about it and leave and say…”Well that sucked and I should never put myself out there again, because me and actually, everyone, just blows.” Yeah, I don’t want to do that.

I am practicing the art of good enough in all things. Enough of the bullshit. I am learning what I so easily can teach and that is to TOLERATE WHAT FEELS INTOLERABLE. Yes people (or person) Distress Tolerance, Radical Acceptance…the whole lot of it!

I have moved through (yes through, not over or around, actually through) anxiety and depression and trauma. And it sucked and was scary but I did it. (with support of professionals and other stuff) And I struggle sometimes but most days are better, because I took the risks, I did the hard, painful work, processed the hell out of stuff and worked (and continue to work) my shit out. It doesn’t go away but it gets so much better and you learn crap about yourself that you never thought you would. And you use it and much of it helps.

So on to my new chapter and that is writing about being a therapist, being a mom, a wife, a human among humans…in the middle of the herd. Packed in tight but not afraid to stand out.

Risking my professional reputation and putting my human condition out there for the world to see. (sort of, I mean..I haven’t really linked my name to this blog yet for fear of my professional life going in the shitter) but wait for it. Till then I am o.k with “Pixiedust72 or therapyontherun or watchmewait…or no matter my screen name. I am human. I assure you that.

So seriously…Happy Friday Bloggers…Go do stuff that scares you and you think you suck at- because ultimately it helps you to LIVE your truth. That kind of matters.

OH…and Also, celebrate little victories…like eating one slice of cake instead of the whole cake. Or successfully sleeping on your left more than your right. OR…not deleting your blog.

Carry on friend. (friends?) I don’t want to seem cocky…

Living in the GRAY…

So the emotional reaction I am having to let’s just say…”several” people FOLLOWING this blog is nothing short of, at the very least, mildly concerning. First of all, the fact that I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that people can see this should be enough for me to stop this process NOW. But the idea that one could see it and actually want to come back and possibly read more…should really solidify my “run now” radar. WHY? Well, for starters…I really have my self-esteem tied up in twitter and Facebook right now and I am not sure my ego can honestly handle this possible assault. Secondly, I tend to be a tad overzealous with my aspirations in the beginning of whatever it is that I just started. For instance, I can’t just write a blog…I have to imagine this is finally my path to DIVINE GREATNESS. I know it is not logical, rational OR mature and as a mental health professional, I think i would call this “MAGICAL THINKING”. It is really what a child does…(usually not in this type of situation, but for this example, so be it) It’s kind of like when your kid goes through a phase and they like dinosaurs, they are all like “I’m going to be a dinosaur man discoverer” and you encourage that shit and tell everyone how your four-year old is going to be a paleontologist, or Maybe they really like band-aids…so they are totally going to be a doctor, no…scratch that, a BRAIN SURGEON.

This is exactly what I mean in my About/bio page thingy when I say…”Passionate about many things and dedicated to a few”…

I tend to get crazy, blazing, fire engine red HOT passion for whatever I am interested in during any given moment and that is when my shit blows up. I am seriously planning on what to wear on Ellen and The Today Show when this shit goes crazy viral, or whatever happens when random stuff on the internet makes you rich and famous. I mean, I hear about that all the time. Even my mom told me…”my friends videotape their kids playing blocks and legos and now they quit their jobs and are totally freaking’ bankrolled for life just letting their kids sit on the floor eating Cheerios and playing with Little People Farm Animals!!! WHAT THE FUCK? I secretly kind of want that!! BUT…

Then the war takes begins in my mind…the war between greedy little girl who wants to be recognized for her humor, amazing world view, astounding clinical mind and dynamic contributions in the field of mental health-VS- the 42-year-old writing for inner-growth, personal gratification, and quite comfortable with the idea that if this were to help but one person feel something positive than that would be quite enough to nourish my soul. Yes…that sort of describes the chaos in my mind on most topics. I am passionate and slightly hypo-manic about most things that inspire me. and I would say…my truth is somewhere in between. Let me explain.

Honestly, I would explain,but that takes SUSTAINED passion,(all together different from my momentary bursts of passion) and that, quite honestly, I just don’t have right now. So, for tonight, I just have to attempt to do what I teach people to do and that is live in the gray area. It’s not black and white and it really doesn’t have to be. Perhaps, I don’t have to be WORLD FAMOUS or become a RENOWNED New York Times Bestselling blogger turned author/therapist to the stars. And MAYBE I won’t “just” change one life…maybe, it might be plausible that I could write, be content “ish” about it and have SOME (not all the people of the world) just SOME people in the world read it. Some of those people might even smile or relate or somehow feel less alone is this crazy ass world by some random thing i say. and that would totally rock. I actually do think it would be o.k to inspire just “One” person, because what if that one person really needed to be inspired, and I did that? I am cool with that.

Let’s just say this and then GOOD NIGHT…I am practicing moderation in my thinking, I am practicing what I preach and I am totally head over heals in LOVE with the “several” people who read my magically published posts. I am totally o.k with being “just enough”…not “everything” not “nothing”…but just enough. So thank you dear readers…I am in awe of you and your phenomenal taste. I promise, I WILL NOT be that girl who forgets you when…well, you know…I AM FUCKING FAMOUS. XXOXOX

MAD LOVE TO MY FOLLOWERS. All two of you. seriously.

oh my god…

I am going to let go of the idea that i know anything about computers or blogging…but i am putting out into the universe that this goes where it is supposed to go without fundamentally damaging my life. i honestly don’t know if when i hit publish this is going “public” but that is o.k…I find wordpress and quite frankly every other blogging sight a mind F#$k, so I’m just gonna type, and think and share my truth. then let it go. just like that. boom. she has a f’n blog.

blog attempt 432 and counting…

A funny thing happened on the way to therapy…this blog is attempt 432 to start a blog that I don’t fuck up, lose to the black hole of the internet, give up on or simply “forget” that I started. Blogging as a tech challenged “40-something” a lot get’s lost and it takes me the better part of a day to learn how to edit a page. this blog will have feeble attempts at humor, observations from my life and my career and hopefully be honest-ish, encourage you to be the same. life is fucking hard sometimes(actually more than one would expect, i think)and honestly, i just want to write the shit out of that. i don’t claim to be a writer but i read some quote that said “If you want to be a writer, than write”…so yeah, then I guess I am a writer. I can tell you this…i have bad grammar, a bad mouth, a passion for many things and dedication to a few. stick around and see what happens…i am trained professional, so what could go wrong?