Tag Archives: #life

I am ALIVE!!!

As I finally decide to sit down and write, one thought is louder and a bit more pushy then the rest…it’s that we all go through things in our lives that leave us feeling, for lack of a better word…DEMOLISHED!! This can be anything. It might be a relationship issue, a challenge to your mental health or a snafu to your physical health. It might be family, friend, life, work, body, mind or soul related. Sometimes it might be a multitude of those things occurring somewhat simultaneously …which we all know BITES, LIKE REALLY FREAKIN’ HARD.

I am going to keep this brief (doubtful) and hopefully even more than that…simple. Life can throw us some serious F’n curve balls. Because why? Because it is life…that is what the fuck it does. No further explanation needed. Without the dramatic details, I will say this, I am no stranger to any of the aforementioned struggles. Work…check. Physical health…Check. Depression, Anxiety,  just plain soul sickness? Check. check. check.

I haven’t blogged in over a month. My usual and customary M.O would be “Ummm…ya know what?  too much time went by…I give up…Yet another thing I started but didn’t continue, but…whatever…I kind of hated blogging anyway .” (now go ahead and add in some sprinkles of mild self-loathing and a touch of self-righteous indignation and you may have even had my younger self’s  response to what I perceived as a (wait for it…) “shortcoming” in my character!

compasfati2

But not so fast Y’all…that is precisely why I started to blog to begin with…to reflect, learn, nurture and even forgive MYSELF!!!  And perhaps inspire others to do the same along the way.

So today, as “they” say, is a new day. It doesn’t take away all the days I had that were hard. It does not “undo” the days that felt or perhaps even WERE impossible to write.  However… it doesn’t mean that I can’t just write a few paragraphs today and simply haul off and hit publish. I think writing is one of those “just get back on the bike” type of things. Maybe life knocked me down for a bit. Maybe my automatic thinking voice was “Oh well…I guess I won’t write anymore”,  but what about my quieter voice…the one I have to really tune in to hear? The one that might say something a bit more polite and a tad more kind like,  “Listen, it’s been a tough few months and look at you…You are still here! You still have things to share and words that are real and important and worth writing. Even if for no one else but YOU!”

So, ya know what?  It’s a start. Sometimes you just have to say “I am alive” and hit publish, knowing that it is enough. Because being alive, well that is pretty fucking important! And sometimes staying that way is pretty fucking hard. So celebrate life today and know this…not everyday will be a great day…not every month will be a productive month.  However, each day you wake up, breathe and learn how to navigate this world to the best of your ability, you have won. Every day that you reach out to another when your own ability for living seems weakened at best…well, in my humble opinion, my friend, you have succeeded.

So let’s just celebrate and honor all the little things that prove we are ALIVE…the inhales, the exhales, the getting out of bed and the crawling back under the blanket…the writing, laughing and dancing  and the silent, sleeping, desperate sobs.  Let us honor all of it! Today, I honor the wonderful things and the terrifying crap and all of the stuff we survive that falls somewhere between the laughter and the tears.

So…as you can see, even though it’s been almost two months and a boat load of life since last I wrote,  I am very much alive, and if you are reading this, so are you!  And well, as it would happen, that is what the HELL we are celebrating right now!!!  So go ahead and do something FABULOUS for yourself, because ya damn well better believe I am!

He Is My Husband Now…We Are Gay

We all gauge the multitude of so-called successes and failures of parenting moments by different variables. We (us parents) each have a different set of lenses in which we view our children, how we may “think” they are doing. Whether we are talking in general, like their grades, behavior or  mood or  we are looking at more of the minutia. Little snapshots in time, that sort of show you something unique in your child’s development or personality. It can simply be a look, a statement, a small conversation…watching them play, when they don’t know you are looking…those tiny moments that go on, but often are a reflection of who they are “right now” and even perhaps a foreshadowing of who they may  become.

Now…I have two boys. They are both vastly different in both looks and personality alike. They are five years apart. Despite their differences, I try to raise them in quite the same manner, with the same fibers of morals and values being loosely woven through our years together.

O.K…I will cut to the chase. One is a teen and one is in second grade…I am, what one might describe as a bleeding heart liberal. A heart on my sleeve kind of girl. I am a social worker by trade and by human make-up. For as long as I can remember, I have tried to be the voice for the voiceless. The cheerleader for the underdog. The advocate for the marginalized and oppressed…YOU GET IT.  My husband, is also a mental health professional  and is a Latino male, who despite his best efforts, still carries with him what I might describe as this  “semi” machismo  perspective. He has come a long way and is also himself, incredibly liberal but let’s just say when my boys were little and I bought them baby dolls and a stroller to push them in (which they did often and around the neighborhood) …he seemed kind of was perplexed, he “sort of”  tried to discourage me from letting them… (I wasn’t having it).  I would have to say that his reaction was rooted not only in his cultural roots and norms and gender and social norms but also…rooted in FEAR. ( we all know, having a baby doll turns you gay right? )

“Not my boys…not baby dolls? They are not GIRLS!”  As the years have gone by…he has softened a lot… has a greater understanding of why I would encourage that … and as for my boys, despite my best efforts…they don’t seem to really embrace there feminine side right now, and that is o.k. It seems, at least right now, they are kind of these brutish, loud, wrestle each other to the ground primate type of kids. (which does not mean they are not sensitive emotionally) But they are rough, crazy, sports nuts who are dirty and what societal/gender stereotypes may reference as or  consider “All Boy”. Whatever… I still send the message that it is o.k to cry, to openly talk about feelings, to be sensitive and most importantly to not feel pressured to conform to social norms “just because”.

One of the other things we do together, though I watch next to no television, is watch several weekly sitcoms. One is Modern Family…think what you may about the show, but it has allowed us to crack up together, to explore a vast range of family issues and also to have on-going dialogue with my kids about homosexuality. Questions come in many forms like…”why are those guys married mom AND they have a baby?”  Just one of the questions my younger one has asked. My teen…he kind of  get’s it already and knows I am open about  whomever people love they just  love. My little one has asked questions over the past year, and more recently, he seems to “get it” a little more. (not sex…he does not know what that is yet, outside of kissing) But he knows a girl can love and marry another girl…a man can love and marry another man. That God made us all different and amazing and that is o.k.

In a world where gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual youth have so many struggles, higher rates of clinical depression/ anxiety  and a significantly higher suicide rate, I feel it is my job as a parent to keep an open dialogue with my kids. To send the message that no matter who they are, whom they love or even if they were confused….they will always be accepted, loved and supported, at least in our home. Now, obviously my son is in second grade, so I don’t go into great detail. I just answer what he asks and try to communicate that however you are, it’s o.k and you will be loved.

It’s kind of hard to gauge how they are doing on that. My older son had a sleep-over…with a diverse group of boys. He mentioned one would be pretty late because he has dance. (now being most of his friends are on sports with him…I talked to him about this… just out of curiosity because I never met this boy…what kind of dance, how late will he be?) He answered without much thought…” he’ll be pretty late and he will be hungry…and ummm, I don’t know, he does ballet, jazz, hip-hop…yeah…he is  kind of feminine, but I don’t think he’s gay, but honestly…who really care’s anyway?” (For a seventh grade boy…to me this signals, he is getting it!)

Now, my younger son…was snuggling with his big, muscular, Latino father (otherwise known as my husband) I walked in to his room and said jokingly “Hey you…You are always snuggling with my husband…you better give him back to me !”  He glanced up at me, with wild and sleepy eyes, as my hubby lye half asleep and boldly said “HE IS MY HUSBAND NOW…WE ARE GAY!”

Let’s just say my husband was no longer asleep…He gave me the look of “You did this” but then smiled… and I thought to myself:

“YES…PARENTING WIN!!!”  (yeah…I know…I may have clarify a few things as time goes on) but he was being silly and I thought to myself…So far, So Good!

“HAPPINESS”…The loaded word

485473_10201222845079779_190918419_n

I personally think “Happiness” can be a rather loaded word for many (actually everyone if we are being honest). As a therapist, I often hear, “I just want to be HAPPY!”

Well, might I suggest the following as my hope for you (and ya know, the world at large):

Today may you travel in peace, perhaps finding “moments” of joy and noticing what makes you feel content and also honor what does not.

Simply observe the bumps along the way as an equally important, albeit more challenging part of this unpredictable and sometimes crazy journey we call life.

“Happiness is fleeting, it comes in moments…in fits and starts. It ebbs and flows. Happiness can be observed gently along the way through all the other equally important and interconnected parts, no matter how dark and jagged some of those parts may be, ultimately they may all fit together”

So, today, might  you do me (and yourself) a favor? I will also try to do the same.

Embrace your travels on this day, wherever they may take you.  And perhaps, try not to get overly hung up on being “HAPPY”,  maybe,  just “BE” and let’s see what you notice on today’s path…sometimes even through the gravel, rocks and mud, you just might find a beautiful flower or that “perfect” stone…you know, that perfectly smooth rock to keep in your pocket and maybe even take a Sharpie to it and write the words “Happy Moment” or even just  “Damn Good Rock”  I mean SHIT, just write whatever feels relevant because it’s YOUR JOURNEY and it’s your damn rock!

PEACEFUL TRAVELING FRIENDS…

LOVE TO ALL THE MAMMALS

AS I tweeted about Mother’s day…and lupus…and brain tumors and the plethora of things I live with (in under, I might add, twitters allotted character #) I ended my tweet with “love to all the mammas!!” Which, then in the total fashion of my life, posted as ‘LOVE TO ALL THE MAMMALS’.  By all accounts this kind of applies, but I suppose was not exactly how I wanted to “tweet” my mothers day story on perseverance and love. I Mean the struggle is real for the blue whale, the giant panda and even the common vampire bat. I can’t however forget the love for the sweet little snakes and mamma birds…I mean DAMN, they fly and vomit food to their babies. BUT. I sort  of just wanted to say “LOVE TO ALL THE MAMMA’S”.

In reality, I suppose my original statement was far more inclusive and I am just trying to support as many beings as possible…so yeah. Love to all my mammals (and reptiles, amphibians, birds…and the whole damn lot of ya).

Motherhood…it does stuff to your brain. (and I am not talking about my brain tumor…that shit’s benign…Motherhood, is most certainly NOT!!!)

Bottlenose-Dolphins

The Self-Esteem Dream and Other Perfect Rhymes…

noonecanmakeyou

Wow…It is my first ever end of the week blog. It is Friday and I did not deactivate my blog due to the burden of poor grammar, no followers or the gross overuse of phrases and words I happen to love. *see the abuse of “Reckless Abandon” in ALL of my posts this week.

As I reflect on this huge accomplishment, and bathe in the glory of achieving my own personal best, by which I mean…living the dream of SELF-ESTEEM. YES. That rhymes and feel free to use that because I, for sure won’t use it again. “Living the dream of self-esteem”…what might I mean by that? Listen here…

I didn’t delete, deactivate or give up on writing. I hit publish with ya know (reck—-Ab–don) I’m done with that. I used poor grammar, foul language and really did not know what I was doing with this whole publish, draft, save…add media, visual etc. I still don’t know how to use the little boxes on top of this “writing square.” Yes…the one with the b. the I. the link, the b-quote, the del, the ins.

Those buttons seem important and one day I will know them and own them and they will know me, but not today because I DON’T HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING TO START SOMETHING!!!!

RIGHT? This is genius and as a mental health professional and consumer of mental health stuff (by “stuff” I mean years of being therapized), I think it is the freakin’ most important idea!!

You Don’t Have To Know Everything To Start Something.

I want to write…so I am writing. Embracing the mistakes and all. Loving my three followers and knowing they can leave or more can come and I AM STILL WHOLE and important and lovable.

MY Goal is to stick and stay and see what happens while I accept it all.

MY Anti-Goal (meaning what i hope i won’t do) is to start writing and feel crappy about it and leave and say…”Well that sucked and I should never put myself out there again, because me and actually, everyone, just blows.” Yeah, I don’t want to do that.

I am practicing the art of good enough in all things. Enough of the bullshit. I am learning what I so easily can teach and that is to TOLERATE WHAT FEELS INTOLERABLE. Yes people (or person) Distress Tolerance, Radical Acceptance…the whole lot of it!

I have moved through (yes through, not over or around, actually through) anxiety and depression and trauma. And it sucked and was scary but I did it. (with support of professionals and other stuff) And I struggle sometimes but most days are better, because I took the risks, I did the hard, painful work, processed the hell out of stuff and worked (and continue to work) my shit out. It doesn’t go away but it gets so much better and you learn crap about yourself that you never thought you would. And you use it and much of it helps.

So on to my new chapter and that is writing about being a therapist, being a mom, a wife, a human among humans…in the middle of the herd. Packed in tight but not afraid to stand out.

Risking my professional reputation and putting my human condition out there for the world to see. (sort of, I mean..I haven’t really linked my name to this blog yet for fear of my professional life going in the shitter) but wait for it. Till then I am o.k with “Pixiedust72 or therapyontherun or watchmewait…or no matter my screen name. I am human. I assure you that.

So seriously…Happy Friday Bloggers…Go do stuff that scares you and you think you suck at- because ultimately it helps you to LIVE your truth. That kind of matters.

OH…and Also, celebrate little victories…like eating one slice of cake instead of the whole cake. Or successfully sleeping on your left more than your right. OR…not deleting your blog.

Carry on friend. (friends?) I don’t want to seem cocky…