Tag Archives: #health

THE UNSUPPORTIVE WIFE… (formerly titled…”just eat a damn breakfast cookie!!”)

Why I am being accused of being an “Unsupportive” wife…

a conversation that actually happened this a.m…

scene:  Bedroom (I am happily lying in bed drinking coffee, reading a “mostly true” memoir and feeling content about life in general) My husband arrives home from his two-hour gym workout that started at 4:30 am. Yes. 4..f’n..thirty. A.M

Husband steps on scale…looks up at me…wide eyed and just about bubbling over with, what seems to be some kind of child like, albeit manic,  vanity  pride… JOY

Husband: “All of my hardcore workouts, self-deprecation and starvation are finally paying off…I am down five pounds in four days!!”

Me: (eyes roll)

Husband: “What???!!!!”

Me: “You look good…but that is not healthy…of course you lost weight because you are eating air and burning 2000 calories at a time…but it is not good for your body…it’s like you have an eating disorder…It’s concerning…” (also something about life being too short…enjoy…moderation…fill in inspirational message)

Husband: (quite clearly disgusted with me) “GOD…I know that…why the hell can’t you just be supportive of my ways and my disorder…you never support me with that…EVER !!! ” (storms off, to what I can now only assume is vomiting spit and planking in the bathroom)

Wife: (eyes roll) gets second cup of coffee and a lovely brown sugar/cinnamon pop-tart  breakfast cookie…because… I. like. eating.

That, my friends… is why I suck as a wife…and I am o.k with it.  (this is also why I don’t work out…because, why start the cycle..Ya know? This also is probably why my spell check wants me to change “Gym” to “Jim”…I work out so neverish, that it does not even recognize that the word “GYM” is actually a real place. true story.

Carry On…

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I am the queen of the “awareness ribbon”…

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So…I don’t know if anyone else will find this fucked up or not, so I will just throw it out there. MAY IS LUPUS AWARENESS MONTH. MAY IS BRAIN TUMOR AWARENESS MONTH. MAY IS MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH. MAY IS MY BIRTHDAY.

Let’s just throw all the cards on the table and say…is it some kind of freaky shit show of a coincidence or karma or fate or JESUS?  Is it a taurus thing?  BUT…I have LUPUS. I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR…I AM A SURVIVOR OF DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND TRAUMA (let’s not forget my ADHD diagnosis too) . I also happen to be a freakin’ clinical psychotherapist who continually advocates for mental health issues.

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What the friggity FUCK May?  I think I am going to look at this like the universe has given me my own special month to kill as many fucked up birds with several colorful awareness ribbons.  (I mean of course they would have to be strangled, because the old “two birds with one stone” wouldn’t actually work in this scenario) But death by ribbon, with little birds might work. (people I am kidding, I love birds and ribbons for that matter)

I mean, I totally appreciate the awareness. It is in fact critical and shines a beacon of light and hopefully research and cash on these very real struggles. (not really my birthday part though… just to be clear)

But really…it’s honestly got me wondering what might have been in the water in MAY? This is the trifecta of some weird alignment in the stars in the 70’s.

Forgive me for sharing this quirky observation…perhaps it means NOTHING…but just as a PSA, It might be prudent  to just go ahead and check those damn ribbons aligned with your birthday.

(let me know if I am on to something)

And one more question…is it excessive to celebrate them all AND where the rubber awareness bracelets too? I totally don’t want to steal the fucking show?

But honestly. It’s MY MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY. So doesn’t that give me carte blanche to just be a shit show of ribbons and rubber bracelets?

I think so…yes, I think it does.

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