My Mental Health Tool Box

Here it is…a somewhat assorted variety…a mixed bag, if you will, of tools. Tools that have worked for me…and in my professional experience…many others along the way. Others, whom like myself have had to deal with the darkness of depression, the disorienting fears of anxiety and the sometimes relentless battles that are endured when fighting mental illness.  Disclaimer:  Since mental illness is, well…ya know, an illness like any other…many of these tools work brilliantly when dealing with other sometimes chronic illnesses as well!  The list is by no means comprehensive…it is simply some of my “GO TO” tools that I have found to offer hope, distraction and some real life strategies.

Creating a self-care tool box:    To be clear…I have made both the  “metaphorical tool box” and also the real life actual BOX.  It contains reminders of what has worked in the past, touchstones for coping and items to grab on to emotionally and/or physically in times of need. Perfect for when your brain chemistry does not allow you to “access” what seemed like “such a great idea” while on your therapist’s couch last Tuesday!

I didn’t make this…but this is one of the one’s I use. It’s filled with scraps of papers, thoughts, pains, prayers…

THE MENTAL HEALTH  “TO DO LIST” (Remember what works for one, does not work for all…take what you like and leave what you don’t) *** or…riddle me this….even if you don’t like it, why not try it anyway, because depression will lie and tell you…”That is stupid, YOU ARE NOT doing that!”  Screw it… Do that shit anyway!!!

While I was in  graduate school in NYC, a quirky, albeit, brilliant professor said to me, “In all my years of practice, I have learned there is NOTHING that breathing can’t make better.”  Is this hyperbolic? Perhaps. (Breathing…while swimming underwater, may not make swimming underwater better…) Outside of that, I have seen this be true time and time and time again…in my practice and certainly in my own life.

So…BREATHE. Learn mindful breathing. The balloon Breath. A Simple inhale through the nose, slow and deep…Hold… release slowly through mouth. Repeat out loud, IN….OUT. Slowly. A nice relaxed pace…(just do it as it feels right for you…no over thinking here)

Stretch….bend, walk around the yard, down the block. Look at the grass, look at the clouds. Pick a flower or a leaf or a rock… and stare/study the details.  Take pictures of flowers or nature or the sky. Your goal might be “do this for five minutes 3x per day” and work up your time intervals and rest when needed.

not me…just a cool yoga/relaxation picture. Does that not look nice?

Get in WATER…A shower, a pool, a garden hose, a sprinkler…an ocean…a lake. Being in water changes your perspective. Also,  DRINK (water!)  A GLASS OF COLD WATER WITH ICE, SLOWLY. CRUNCH THE ICE, SIP THE COLD WATER. FEEL THE WAY IT CHANGES YOUR BODY. Force yourself to stay hydrated. Sounds too simple? Strangely it is often the simple things that work!  **Disclaimer II: If you are feeling acutely suicidal call hotline/911 and stick with just drinking the cold water, hold ice cubes, feel them in your hand…wash your face with cool wash clothes. Call and talk on the hotline, with a friend or your therapist. 

water, water, everywhere

Go on Youtube (or the like there of )…search up guided meditations for “anxiety” depression, anger, fear, love, etc. Listen… Some will suck, but a few will be great…try some.

Read : Read blogs…funny ones, random one, “How To ones” (fill in the blank, mine was learn to loom knit)…. and one’s for support.  Head over to Twitter: Bluelightblue or The bloggess…or Speak Your Truth…or any mental health blogs for support! Watch cute animal videos.  Search funny memes on weird topics…look at the ever popular e-cards. It’s called distraction people! It works.

Support…even online support (especially online sometimes…because it is always there.) I think the right forums, twitter feeds, facebook groups…they can really help!

http://www.bluelightblue.com

http://www.thebloggess.com

http://www.twitter.com/pixeedust72  (MY twitter feed…SPEAKYOURTRUTH)

Literally, make a box. Use an old one to decorate or make one out of wood or a shoe box (whatever works)…decorate it…cut up little pieces of paper and write POSITIVE things (Box of Hope)….Make a box…cut up paper, write what you would like to let go of, painful stuff, things you want gone or healed or feel to heavy for your right now. Give it a name.  Your “wish box”…prayer box…worry box?

Go look for smooth rocks…wash them…feel the earth and watch the dirt wash away. Dry them. Feel the texture.  Get permanent markers or paint…write worries, fears, things you want to let go or even affirmations…pray on it, meditate on it and throw them in water, river, lake, ocean, a damn puddle…preferably the visual is seeing them floating away. You can do one rock at at time…You can also throw them in the woods…far…just make sure NO ONE is in your line of fire. Bury them…Or you can keep them. Possibilities people, possibilities!

these I found, washed and decorated…I did not float these away. I look at them each day.

Go somewhere safe (with a trusted friend) …and break stuff…I did this with old crappy plates I got at a garage sale, I went to an old abandoned lot with trusted and emotionally safe friend. Yelling my anger/pain/traumas…with each smashing plate. (Was this the smartest thing? Perhaps not. Did it help release deep rooted pain and childhood wounds? Yes…yes it friggin’ did.  **Disclaimer III: If you break shit that you really wanted or get in trouble with the law, this is just a blog people, I hold no responsibility. Ya know? Free will and what not. 

Physical Activity…This is a tough one…especially with depression giving ya the ol’ serotonin sucker punch…but try something/anything… (why not?) Kick box…chop wood/break sticks…rip paper…power wash shit…mow a lawn. I can’t tell you exactly why, but I can tell you this…power washing dirty stuff clean, it’s healing and cathartic in it’s own weird way. (for me)  Lawn mowing…OMG!!!  Meditative, physical and productive.I have a strange obsession with pool skimming as well… that also helps with anxiety. Sorry people, but this shit has and does personally help me. I skimmed today. Yay!!!!

skimmer therapy!!!

Do art journaling….Go on Pinterest and look up art journals. Do composition notebook art. In fact…Just go on Pinterest and start looking shit up. Plan real or imaginary things/trips…(secret magical rooms, gardens, sacred spaces) Start a resource guide for all that ails you. “Natural remedies” “Mental health tools” …whatever…Pin it.

journal is what journal does…be as creative as you like…again. (this is not mine…google image, if it’s your’s claim that beautiful credit!)

Plan vacations…you may or may not go on them…just look up what you might want to do one day. Day dream about it. I like vrbo.com to imagine all the houses I am going to rent, like everywhere.

Make a play list: Add songs you love or find new songs. Ask others what their inspiration songs are. Again…a shout out to http://www.bluelightblue.com (I believe she did an article that included something about what our fight songs are to get us through.) Right now, I am so feeling Lake Street Dive, Alabama Shakes and my own personal obsession of many years… Ani Difranco.

Get Some Art Stuff and Make Shit: Model magic (my favorite/Play dough/ clay etc.) and play with it and make stuff and be a kid, even if you are a grown up!  Get a coloring book and color….YUP from 1 to 110 years old…coloring helps. *put a picture or a tiny creation in your BOX!

I play with model magic and make tiny little creations. It soothes me. And others. Seriously.

Buy a plant or 10…start with one. Take care of it. Learn about that specific plant. What it needs, what it doesn’t.  Take care of it. If it dies (it happens people…go get another plant) Try again.

Herbs from my garden…cut and in water. smell amazing. IF they fade out…I go snip some more. Pretty all around the house. While your at it, try growing some mint and lemon balm…plant it anywhere outside. It spreads like crazy.

So there you have it folks… Like I said, this list is far from comprehensive, however, it is comprised of things that have actually worked for people. ( First with me and then as I share ideas with my clients  they often give positive feed back! ) Now…LISTEN. It’s not perfect…it’s not magic. Therapy, Medications, Support Networks…those are important and life saving tools that also may fill our unique tool boxes. If you struggle with the darkness and feel there is no way out…put this in your box and use it! You can call as often as you need.

You can just call and talk…they are there to listen. You are worth every minute.

PLEASE…Feel free to comment on what has helped you and remember…there is always hope, help and light, even on the darkest night…sometimes, we just need a a few tools along the way.

Love, Light and Healing Always….

Strep Throat…A Small Price To Pay To Have My Darkness Fade Away

What do you do when you want to write…but your mind feels blank…yet your heart feels weighted and heavy in a way that it needs emptying? I don’t know what to do with my feelings tonight…I am dealing with an illness (lupus) that has managed to completely wreak unexpected havoc on my body and mind, on my spirit and even on my home for that matter. And tonight (and many other nights, days, afternoons, mornings…I AM THOROUGHLY PISSED OFF! ) I am also confused and sad and honestly,  I simply and sadly feel as a person I am CHANGED.

I have always been an emotional person…a “feeling a lot”,  (perhaps too much) type of person. My ability to tune into my own feelings and as well as deeply empathize with the feelings of others has pretty much guided the course of my life. I am a psychotherapist by profession and I truly love my job, it is sacred and beautiful to travel with others on their own inner journeys.  However, right now,  I am definitely in the midst of some deeply painful shit…and though I have an abundance of dear friends, parents that love me beyond words, a husband who has been by my side for almost 20 years, two beautiful boys…tonight and so many nights as of late, I feel so completely and utterly alone.

I know, at least I hope, that  I will be able to  find ways to integrate these dark feelings in with the light…I will have to find ways to weave the painful shredded fibers in with the hopefully stronger, fabrics that make up relief and healing. I pray I find ways to ease the relentless questions of my mind, find a way to  stop the unending search for answers, the hows, the whys, the what the hells?  The what if’s?  Yes, those, “when the fuck did this happen?”  type of questions, the ones that I am sure may never be answered nor would they be particularly useful if even if they were. I mean do I really need to know…”Yes…it was that bug spray, that spray paint, that north wind that caused this disease to activate.”  I can’t turn back time and undo any particular event that may have contributed to this process…so it is just toxic to live there.

I have been having terrible nightmares as well…a side effect of some medication, in my opinion. So,  I feel infinitely more apprehensive this evening, in these late hours of the night.  Yet, as I nod off to sleep, quite literally, falling in and out of consciousness while writing this…I realize that my 13-year-old son has snuggled up next to me, his head leaning on my hip, his size 10 man feet dangling from my bed. (Now…this is not great since he has strep throat and a 101 fever) however, just for tonight,  I am willing to risk just about anything to steal what is sadly becoming…a more limited number of tender moments, the one’s that he used to offer up so freely and abundantly . Yet, tonight …on his own thirteen year old terms (which apparently could be a side effect of him being kind of sick and weak? HEY…I’ll take what I can get! ) Tonight…he is being generous with his snuggles. When he came in to say goodnight, he actually took my arm and said “mommy…I love you so, so much”…This unsolicited declaration is not common place anymore, so if that was the only moment, I would have savored it.

I am also realizing… just as I write this…that some of my heavy heart is also entangled in the thirteenth birthday of this beautiful boy. He is a May baby…just like his mamma. He is dancing on the cusp of crazy adolescence, while still hanging on a bit longer (thank God) to the threads that keep him my sweet little boy.

So, just for tonight,  I worry and grieve and choke back what feels like an endless supply of tears because it feels this sickness is stealing away parts of my life. The parts of me, that at no point and time, and I mean NEVER, NOT EVER… not one damn time, have I offered up for the taking!  These dark feelings try to grip me and drown me in sorrow, they try to take hostage my sleep and my inner peace. But on this night….I lay here in bed, with my laptop humming, my husband sound asleep to my right and my son somehow fitting perfectly into the small space that is left on my other side. All of a sudden, I feel acutely aware of the abundance of gifts in my life.

I am not as alone as I thought just a mere 20 minutes ago. How can I not  cherish the beauty of what I DO have? Pain and fear are making it all too easy to focus on what I don’t have.  While I fight and battle with this pain, this disease and all its unknowns, I begin to realize that there are a few things that I do know and I know them with absolute certainty!

My thirteen year old, the tough guy, the one who  drives me to the brink of insanity almost daily…the one who pushes every damn button I have and laughs as he get’s the crazy to come dancing and jumping right the hell out of me! My boy…the one who gets the reactions he had hoped as he encourages his younger brother to join in the game of  “let’s drive mommy to the brink and watch the show!” Yeah…that’s my boy.  However, for now… he remains snuggled up, sound asleep by my side. His breathing is a steady rhythm bringing unexpected reassurance about mostly everything in the whole world right now. You know what? I am thinking these days may be numbered and that kind of makes me cry even as I type this…Tears. So in this moment, I will simply cherish his sleepy, fevered head by my side, cherish it with every ounce of my being.

My eight year old tried to wrangle his way into our bed earlier and we had the “NO WAY” discussion because he is “too accustomed” to his sleepy mommy and daddy just caving and saying… “sure…come child, disrupt our sleep…because we are too tired and old to fight you off.”  So,  tonight…he stays tucked under his Spider Man Comforter, head nestled in Avengers pillows. The night is young at 12:19 am, so he may still find his way in, during the wee morning hours. But for now, it seems my heaviness, my darkness, is unexpectedly lifted.  I think it’s by this writing, it is by this process of letting my thoughts flow out into words, however poorly written, I just don’t care. Really, I don’t…They are out of my head and on the screen and I can’t help but feel a bit lighter.

I also feel lucky…or is it grateful? Yes, It is Grateful. Tonight I recognize that I have my struggles, my pain, my illness…but it is certainly not all that I have and is most definitely NOT all that I am. Chronic pain can try to steal the brightness from my life…but there is no possible way that it can know this secret…the secret that deep, pure and unconditional love is simply and fully immune to being stolen! It just can NOT be stolen by a thief and his cruel and stealthy ways. For it seems that tonight, I am veiled in protection, I am cloaked in peace. All by this little man who drives me to unimaginable levels of frustration by day…but on this particular night, he is the sweetest of lights. He is the thread weaving together the good and the bad. He is the integration between pain and freedom.

He may likely never know, how on this night…when I felt like all of my chips had been cashed in and the cruel “thief” known as pain tried to steal all of my good…that he was my protector…and that was just from being by my side, his unexpected snuggles and his drifting off to sleep. I listen to him breathe and I feel grateful and I feel blessed. I feel honored by his presence tonight.

I also feel like within 24 hours I will likely be infected with Strep Throat…which can’t be good when dealing with an f’d up immune system, but I feel like this…what’s a bacterial infection if not just a tiny price to pay? Payment for the precious snuggle and sweet, sleepy, unconditional love that is being so freely offered tonight. I don’t know if it’s the fever or the antibiotics or genuinely a boy just needing his mom…honestly, it doesn’t much matter, I’ll take it.

So thank you my boy…thank you for getting me out of my funk…and most likely giving me yours.

“HAPPINESS”…The loaded word

I personally think “Happiness” can be a rather loaded word for many (actually everyone if we are being honest). As a therapist, I often hear, “I just want to be HAPPY!”

Well, might I suggest the following as my hope for you (and ya know, the world at large):

Today may you travel in peace, perhaps finding “moments” of joy and noticing what makes you feel content and also honor what does not.

Simply observe the bumps along the way as an equally important, albeit more challenging part of this unpredictable and sometimes crazy journey we call life.

“Happiness is fleeting, it comes in moments…in fits and starts. It ebbs and flows. Happiness can be observed gently along the way through all the other equally important and interconnected parts, no matter how dark and jagged some of those parts may be, ultimately they may all fit together”

So, today, might  you do me (and yourself) a favor? I will also try to do the same.

Embrace your travels on this day, wherever they may take you.  And perhaps, try not to get overly hung up on being “HAPPY”,  maybe,  just “BE” and let’s see what you notice on today’s path…sometimes even through the gravel, rocks and mud, you just might find a beautiful flower or that “perfect” stone…you know, that perfectly smooth rock to keep in your pocket and maybe even take a Sharpie to it and write the words “Happy Moment” or even just  “Damn Good Rock”  I mean SHIT, just write whatever feels relevant because it’s YOUR JOURNEY and it’s your damn rock!

PEACEFUL TRAVELING FRIENDS…